Right...???

It's always feel so terrible and bad when I live like this. Never have a calmness and always in under pressure feeling. This is so bad for my mental health and my emotion. I don't know till when I can hold everything. God please give me a strength and please makes me hold with all of this matter. Truly God, without You I'm nothing. Without you I can't do anything. Until now I still hold my tears, hold my scream and hold my emotion. But I didn't know how long I can keep all of this before all blowing and explode from my head. I didn't know are my physic still can hold all this feeling and emotion. It's really kill me slowly. All of this, makes my mental health decreased day by day. I do really scare to my self. Scare that I will explode or I will get laying on the bed in hospital, again. I might still can hold till I don't know, but I'm sure I'll do something extreme which can kill my self if all this craziness wont stop. In here nobody understand or try to listen to me. I know that I have to make my self strong and let my family keep see me that I can face all of this. But deep, deep, deep inside my heart and my mind, I really can't stand anymore. If I can let mom fall alone, I will run from here long time ago. If I can let dad down alone, i will go away from here long time ago. But I can't. If I go from mom side, she didn't have any body who can give her spirit and make her strong. If I go from dad side , he didn't have place to share all his matter and trouble. I know all of this matter and trouble caused of him, mom and I is the victim for all he done. But however he is my dad, I can't just let him fall down alone by him self. I should be there to back him up and try to help him as much as I can. Right...???