Hurting Heart

"If you ever leave me, baby, leave some morphine at my door..." The song played in my playlist, and somehow all the words in song, sung by Bruno Mars, stabbed my hearts. I feel all the words in the song, and makes my eyes started tearing. Some how all the words on the song is represent my heart now time. Ugh, it's hurts and hard. But however I should face a life, with or without my love. And then following by Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson. Once again this song stabbed me deeper. And makes my heart getting more hurts. The love I have, somehow betray me and injured me. And all I have to do now is forget my love and started close my heart more tight. I should not let anybody come again to my heart or it would betray me again and again. Ouch, the way of my heart makes me suffer, is the way of hell and devil seducing my -started- calm life. Makes me remind of the lyrics of Christina Perry song, Jar of Heart, "I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed". Because the first time I had kissed from my love, is the first time my heart starting betray me and injured me. And I should be always following my instinct, somehow it's always right. I knew since the first time I met him, my heart will be bleed and hurt. But still I ignoring my instinct, following my wildest insanity. And now, here I am, alone and drown in my sadness. I know with time this wound will be heal and I'll be okay, but still now I can't stop my tears, can't stop crying out loud. I ended my write with some Avril Lavigne song, Wish You Were Here, coz I always wishes that you were here in my side and hold me tight every second of my life.

Saying Good Bye

In life you must be ever say good bye. Say good bye to your friends, your relatives, your family, even to your enemies. Say good bye to living things and dead things. In every meeting there's a separation, in every halo there's a good bye. Because in life there's nothing imperishable, stay for ever. And in my life I have say good bye to many things. To human I love, to things I have, and to feelings I feel. I ever say good bye to my beloved auntie, first person I lost. And then I say good bye to my beloved cousin, the little boy who lost his life on very early age. Then following by my grandma, from my father, leave me on her love. And last my grandma, from my mom, the most loving me one. I say good bye to many person ever come to my life, touching my life, and then go, disappears like never come, but leave some mark in my heart. I say good bye to many things I ever have, my wealthiness, my things, my earth happiness. And I say good bye to my love feelings, my happy feelings, my sad feelings, my thought, and my mind. I say good bye to my past, and say hallo to my darkness future. Say good bye, it's common thing happen in life. Sometimes tears accompany it, sometimes smile accompany it. Whatever, have you ever say good bye..???

I Miss You

Because I miss you, I let it out by write it with my blood...
Because I miss you, now I'm speechless...

The Hatred Part 2

It's keep coming and coming. Never let me to calm it down or erase the feelings from my mind and soul. Every second and minute makes this hate feeling getting bigger and bigger. Torturing my heart and my thought. The hatred, can't remove or make it bit slow down. But it's stay there and gripped me tight. It's stay there and act so hard. Nothing can make it get out of me or make it bit calm. And all of this hatred become animosity. It's makes me fling and hating people more and more. And makes me swear doing something bad to them when I can. This feelings makes me scare. Scare to my self and all I can done to hurt people. This feelings makes me do bad things a lot, things that I know hurting many people. And most of all it's hurting people I love. It's hurting my parents and my lovely uncle. It's hurting every people around me. Oh why the devil is so strong grip me? Why devil is so rocking my soul and my mind? Uggghhh I hate this condition. I need something to divert my mind. I need something to express my feelings. I wont blowing up like a volcano. I won't...

The Hatred Part 1

The hates keep flowing in my blood
The anger keep stay in my heart
The devil keep push me to throwing all out

The devil keep telling me to kill them all
This hatred have reaching my head
This anger have reaching my soul
The devil have got my mind
The devil have got me


But the angel still there in my side
The angel still there to hold my emotion
The angel still there to cold my mind
To cold my heart
As it's cold touch and the flame slowly gone
As it's cold touch and the tornado slowly stop
As it's cold touch and I get my patient back


It's hard to get all down and calm
It's need to struggling hard to make all feel better
It's hard to eliminate my hatred
It's hard...

Letter For God

Dear God,

I know you are busy with so many trouble in this world. But please spare just few minute to read my letter. God... I know You know me well, but for truly, I didn't know You well. *grind* God, even I didn't know You well, But I really really believe in You. You are the light of my path, You are the light of my destiny, and you are the light of my heart and soul.

God, as You know well I lay my life in your hand. I trust my destiny in You. And I put my soul as Your servant. God... nowadays, I'm in hard time. I know You always with me in my every sad and happiness. But now is my hard time. It's not mean that I want to complain for my fate, it's just I need some place to share my feelings. God, I need you more nowadays, to lead me to Your right way. I need You more nowadays, to guide trough all this darkness. I need You more nowadays, to erase all my confuse.

God there's nobody I can trust in my life, and I only can trust You to help me with all my matter. Because I know only you the one can guard me from every retarder and the one can lead me into the light. God I only have one thing to ask from You, and I really really hoping that you will bless me with makes my wish come true. God the only thing I ask is, please let my parents life calm with Your bless and abundant. Please God, please...

God... I think all I can say for now. But for sure I'll write again for you next time. Thanks a lot God to spare your time to read my letter. I love you God. 

With love and hopefulness,

-m3-

Stop Pushing Me Away

I just an ordinary girl, with limited brain capacity. I just an abandoned and neglected child. I'm the one all people pushing away when they find their happiness. I'm the one they pushing away when they success in their life. I'm the one they pushing away when they got what they want. 


I just an ordinary girl with limited heart capacity. I just an abandoned and neglected child. But I'm the one they have when they on their sadness. But I'm the one they have when they got matter. but I'm the one they have when they fall from their crown. But I'm the one they have  when they feel down.


I just an ordinary girl with feeling and mind. I can feel hurt and feel sad. I can feel bad and feel angry. Why should me the one you abandoned when you got what you want? Why should me you neglect when you got all your dreams? Why me you choose to carried all your matter and trouble? Why can you all understand, I'm a human with heart and feeling. 


I can't understand what you thinking about me. Even I've tried dive into your heart and mind, I still can't understand why should me the one you pushing away from your life. Can't you just let me in to your life? Please. I don't mind you made me as a bin for you carry out all your sad feeling. I don't mind you made me as a bin for you shared all your matter. But please let me in, and stop pushing me away on your happy time. Please let me in, and stop pushing me away from your success time.


I just an ordinary girl with heart and mind, with soul and feel. Can't you understand me as that simple...???

Right...???

It's always feel so terrible and bad when I live like this. Never have a calmness and always in under pressure feeling. This is so bad for my mental health and my emotion. I don't know till when I can hold everything. God please give me a strength and please makes me hold with all of this matter. Truly God, without You I'm nothing. Without you I can't do anything. Until now I still hold my tears, hold my scream and hold my emotion. But I didn't know how long I can keep all of this before all blowing and explode from my head. I didn't know are my physic still can hold all this feeling and emotion. It's really kill me slowly. All of this, makes my mental health decreased day by day. I do really scare to my self. Scare that I will explode or I will get laying on the bed in hospital, again. I might still can hold till I don't know, but I'm sure I'll do something extreme which can kill my self if all this craziness wont stop. In here nobody understand or try to listen to me. I know that I have to make my self strong and let my family keep see me that I can face all of this. But deep, deep, deep inside my heart and my mind, I really can't stand anymore. If I can let mom fall alone, I will run from here long time ago. If I can let dad down alone, i will go away from here long time ago. But I can't. If I go from mom side, she didn't have any body who can give her spirit and make her strong. If I go from dad side , he didn't have place to share all his matter and trouble. I know all of this matter and trouble caused of him, mom and I is the victim for all he done. But however he is my dad, I can't just let him fall down alone by him self. I should be there to back him up and try to help him as much as I can. Right...???

Keke Palmer Video Clip

I just found this song, and it's remind me that I should give this song to someone when I can... :P But now all it's just too late, but I still post this here... Because I know he still come and see my blog some times... :D Just love this song and it's so right about him... ^^"

Suffer To Death

Day by day running fast
Minute by minute passed without I realized
And the suffer still there

Every hours passed and gone
Every second I walk with the matter in my head
And the suffer never go away from my life

All seems so dark and darker
All feel so empty and emptier
And the suffer keeping there with his head stone

I embraced by the densely feeling
I surrounded by the misery
And the suffer wont stop torturing me

This is the way suffer got me
Got my soul, got my mind
And the suffer will always there till the death come

Suffer, suffer, suffer
Don't it's enough you got my soul and my mind??
Why should stop now if you can get me till death??

Right suffer...???
 

Life In My Perspective

Life is never easy... Sometimes life is very hard and tough... But life have it's own way to teach you, teach you how to be a better person, teach you how to share with your community, teach you how to earn living, teach you how to love people, and teach you how to manage your life... In your life you meet so many people everyday... Some of them just come and go, some stay for a while and then go, and some of them always at your side no matter what... And with life you can learn which is your truly and trustworthy friends, which is only be your friends when they need, which is only make you as benefit friends, and which is your enemies... And in life no matter what and no matter how, family is everything... Family the one you can share your sadness and happiness... Family the one always support you for any you do... Family the one direct you to do the right things when you may do a wrong... Family the one always be with you and encourage you when you down... In life nothing precious then your family... Best friends still can betray you and leave you in hell, but family will try to reach you and help you to lift up to heaven... Relatives can make you down and consider you are nothing... But family always there to make you up and meaningful... Life is too short to make it meaningless and neglected... Life is too short to wasting time without family...

Anger Emotion Devil

This anger can't be hold no more. This emotion can't be control no more. All of this should be let out or I will blow up and killing some body. I will be feel so bad and hurting my self. I will be grumpy and treat people bad. I will be shout any around me. How I can control this anger, how I can control this emotion if nobody understand me. I should be angry and hurting people. But no place for me to spill out all of this. Doing shout in quite place even not helped to make me calm down. Praying even don't have it's power to make me calm down. Where is the devil when I need them to help me spill out all of this? Where is angel to help me calm down my self? Where is God to lead me being a good girl? They all not here, and I leaving alone by them. No one willing to take me or help me. I kind of unrecognized creature. What am I if no God or Angel, even Devil willing to have me as their follower..???

I Know You...

Asking me for what I know about you is the funniest question I ever heard. Do you want to know what I know about you..?? This is what I know about you:

• I know you are the man which have a big heart, and you loving me with the heart.

• I know you have a very long patient, and you waiting me with that patient. 

• I know you have a strong mind, and you helping me with your mind. 

• I know you have softest feel, and you comforting me with the feel. 

• I know you have the most beautiful eyes, and you see me with that eyes.
• I know you have a strong hand, and you hug me with that hand.
• I know you have a wide care for me.
• I know you have a bunch of attention and passion for me.
• I know you want me to be at your side and want me to be always with you till death do us apart.
• I know you want me to be your wife.
• I know you want me as much as I want you.

Don't you know I know about you...??? Don't you know I understand you..??? But did you know about me or understand me..???

Because Of You

Because I'm lonely in my heart I hate to have you.

Because I never feel safe in my heart  I hate to have you.

Because I never feel comfort  I hate to have you.

Because you never understood me I hate to have you.

Because you never appreciate me I hate to have you.

Because you never look at me I hate to have you.

Because you I hate to my self.

Because you I hate to live.

Because of you.

Tears Of Darkness

Long time never wrote again for my blog. :P Just to busy with family matter. With my parents matter, and all other stuff insignificant. And all of that stuff consuming most of my time. Hm.. many things happened and many things makes me drain my tears. My stress level getting up, and my psycho level getting up fast. And everyday I crying and crying. Maybe I still smiling, I still laughing, I still singing and I still socialize. But deep inside my heart, I always cry and cry. And when I can't hold of it anymore I go to somewhere alone and crying hard. Releasing a bit feeling fulfill my heart. This tears wont gonna be stop till the time all the matters stop and clears. Now is the time where darkness surrounding, trapping, and cooping me inside. The darkness wont allow any light come to me. The darkness will makes me become a weak girls, meaner girls, and wicked girls. This darkness, it's so thick and impenetrable. This darkness, holding me so tight. Gave me so many doubt and consideration. Guess is the time to play and dancing with the rain. But where is the rain when I need it...??