Broken Heart

I am in the middle of uncomfortable feeling. Feel not comfort with my man, my parents, my family, my religion, my neighborhood, and my environment. Not comfort being my self and feel not understand every single thing in my life. Now i'm lost in uncomfortable zone, lost in the moment of awkward and lost in sea of misery. This is the moment I wanna scream out loud, hurting my self, crying hardly, and killing my self. This is the point where all single things the others do makes me suck and sick. Makes me pukes and dizzy. Makes me hurt and sad. And there's seems like no body can understand me or at last having some empathy for what I've been trough. It's getting hard and dark. No more light even the dimmest one. All around is something trapping and surrounding which only give you bad feeling. Give you negative thinking, give you temp and high emotion, anger and wrath. This moment breaking my heart, as you took it from the place throw it away, and let the wound keep open with no healing. Like you give it a vinegar and salt, and then let it bleed till die. This is just the another dark side and misery of life path I would've been trough.

Hurting Heart

"If you ever leave me, baby, leave some morphine at my door..." The song played in my playlist, and somehow all the words in song, sung by Bruno Mars, stabbed my hearts. I feel all the words in the song, and makes my eyes started tearing. Some how all the words on the song is represent my heart now time. Ugh, it's hurts and hard. But however I should face a life, with or without my love. And then following by Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson. Once again this song stabbed me deeper. And makes my heart getting more hurts. The love I have, somehow betray me and injured me. And all I have to do now is forget my love and started close my heart more tight. I should not let anybody come again to my heart or it would betray me again and again. Ouch, the way of my heart makes me suffer, is the way of hell and devil seducing my -started- calm life. Makes me remind of the lyrics of Christina Perry song, Jar of Heart, "I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed". Because the first time I had kissed from my love, is the first time my heart starting betray me and injured me. And I should be always following my instinct, somehow it's always right. I knew since the first time I met him, my heart will be bleed and hurt. But still I ignoring my instinct, following my wildest insanity. And now, here I am, alone and drown in my sadness. I know with time this wound will be heal and I'll be okay, but still now I can't stop my tears, can't stop crying out loud. I ended my write with some Avril Lavigne song, Wish You Were Here, coz I always wishes that you were here in my side and hold me tight every second of my life.

Saying Good Bye

In life you must be ever say good bye. Say good bye to your friends, your relatives, your family, even to your enemies. Say good bye to living things and dead things. In every meeting there's a separation, in every halo there's a good bye. Because in life there's nothing imperishable, stay for ever. And in my life I have say good bye to many things. To human I love, to things I have, and to feelings I feel. I ever say good bye to my beloved auntie, first person I lost. And then I say good bye to my beloved cousin, the little boy who lost his life on very early age. Then following by my grandma, from my father, leave me on her love. And last my grandma, from my mom, the most loving me one. I say good bye to many person ever come to my life, touching my life, and then go, disappears like never come, but leave some mark in my heart. I say good bye to many things I ever have, my wealthiness, my things, my earth happiness. And I say good bye to my love feelings, my happy feelings, my sad feelings, my thought, and my mind. I say good bye to my past, and say hallo to my darkness future. Say good bye, it's common thing happen in life. Sometimes tears accompany it, sometimes smile accompany it. Whatever, have you ever say good bye..???

I Miss You

Because I miss you, I let it out by write it with my blood...
Because I miss you, now I'm speechless...

The Hatred Part 2

It's keep coming and coming. Never let me to calm it down or erase the feelings from my mind and soul. Every second and minute makes this hate feeling getting bigger and bigger. Torturing my heart and my thought. The hatred, can't remove or make it bit slow down. But it's stay there and gripped me tight. It's stay there and act so hard. Nothing can make it get out of me or make it bit calm. And all of this hatred become animosity. It's makes me fling and hating people more and more. And makes me swear doing something bad to them when I can. This feelings makes me scare. Scare to my self and all I can done to hurt people. This feelings makes me do bad things a lot, things that I know hurting many people. And most of all it's hurting people I love. It's hurting my parents and my lovely uncle. It's hurting every people around me. Oh why the devil is so strong grip me? Why devil is so rocking my soul and my mind? Uggghhh I hate this condition. I need something to divert my mind. I need something to express my feelings. I wont blowing up like a volcano. I won't...

The Hatred Part 1

The hates keep flowing in my blood
The anger keep stay in my heart
The devil keep push me to throwing all out

The devil keep telling me to kill them all
This hatred have reaching my head
This anger have reaching my soul
The devil have got my mind
The devil have got me


But the angel still there in my side
The angel still there to hold my emotion
The angel still there to cold my mind
To cold my heart
As it's cold touch and the flame slowly gone
As it's cold touch and the tornado slowly stop
As it's cold touch and I get my patient back


It's hard to get all down and calm
It's need to struggling hard to make all feel better
It's hard to eliminate my hatred
It's hard...

Letter For God

Dear God,

I know you are busy with so many trouble in this world. But please spare just few minute to read my letter. God... I know You know me well, but for truly, I didn't know You well. *grind* God, even I didn't know You well, But I really really believe in You. You are the light of my path, You are the light of my destiny, and you are the light of my heart and soul.

God, as You know well I lay my life in your hand. I trust my destiny in You. And I put my soul as Your servant. God... nowadays, I'm in hard time. I know You always with me in my every sad and happiness. But now is my hard time. It's not mean that I want to complain for my fate, it's just I need some place to share my feelings. God, I need you more nowadays, to lead me to Your right way. I need You more nowadays, to guide trough all this darkness. I need You more nowadays, to erase all my confuse.

God there's nobody I can trust in my life, and I only can trust You to help me with all my matter. Because I know only you the one can guard me from every retarder and the one can lead me into the light. God I only have one thing to ask from You, and I really really hoping that you will bless me with makes my wish come true. God the only thing I ask is, please let my parents life calm with Your bless and abundant. Please God, please...

God... I think all I can say for now. But for sure I'll write again for you next time. Thanks a lot God to spare your time to read my letter. I love you God. 

With love and hopefulness,

-m3-